Tag Archives: old man

Rainy Life’s Seasons

crazy man in the rain...

crazy man in the rain…

Sneaky winds jump around the sky
With joyous malicious whistles
Dark clouds gather together
In sadistic congregation.

/Intermission/
No! This is not just another rainy day
Another bland nature poem
Nor a hifalutin attempt at shameless self-aggrandizement
By a writer with inferiority complex

Carry me out dear nutty wife
Lovingly throw me into the open
I love liberating feels of breezes
But just a shell-y man scared to get out

The feverish anticipation
Of what weather holds today
Makes my body shake ecstatically
Like it happened last night

One by one
I lose my selves
My anxious personality
My prim obsessive-compulsive

The showers start
I look behind the clouds high up
Asking, daring the Creator-God
To do better than just showers

Ha! But I know
He can do more
I tell him I can handle his worst blessings
Tell him to come out from behind clouds

Then

From around the corner
The flood pours out
Across my village cottage
On a hillside

I throw away my cane
Bloody old man that I am
Take a gladiator stance
Look the blessed flood in the face

Flood hits me in the beard
Creator stifles a snigger
Flood sweeps me off my foot
I start to drown, laughing

Shame on me!
For all my boasting
Steee-rike one n’ I’m out!
Sliding down the hillside

A shameless old man
One-legged, dancing
Drenched in happiness
In a flood of rain

Screaming out a holy swearword
“God will be the death of me!
Hee-hee-haw-haw-haw!!!
Hahaa-hahahaha!!!”

BACKGROUND: I am probably one of the few species of men *eyes rolling* who show genuine appreciation for many different seasons (though I favour a burning sun least of all). The rains are officially starting in my part of the world and I never tire of how refreshed and invigorating it makes me feel.

the rain's awe...
the rain’s awe…

This evening, it brings to mind the many ways I play with the Unseen. As true as it is that science has explanations for many things, it does not make a case in court AGAINST the unseen and non-material wonders that exist here. The two sides can coexist. Forget for a moment the [visible] people that misrepresent the invisible.
I remember past happy seasons of my life… from the shocking big blessings… to simple pleasures like raining showers on my skin. And I am making new happy memories. In the midst of many difficulties faithfully stalking my daily life like psychopaths.
The Creator has got His ways!

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Haunting God

With purpose he marched through the gate
God did not enter with a thief’s creeping gait
When he scattered our masters with the sword
When we slaves blissfully slept scattered abroad

He mercilessly spilled their blood
God came on them like a flood
He got himself cut somehow
He won and left anyhow

We stretched and yawned
As a bloody morning dawned
Like expected God’s blood spooked
Like a pheromone it got us hooked

We ran around incoherently
Searching for God fervently
God that caught our attention
God that left our habitation

We left our place unguarded
We leapt into the forest unguided
We were brash and savage
We were passionate beyond gauge

Why did God kill our old masters
When will we have answers
Why is God deliberately taunting
Why are we homelessly haunting

God paid us a bloody visit
God left us with a deficit
He then got us stuck on him
He then had us seeking him

Scouring river after rock
Whilst wild animals did gawk
We were hounds of blood
We were madly trailing God’s blood

We have no past now
We have forgotten home now
We don’t remember how it ensued
We don’t know why we continued

We don’t know how it ends
As we negotiate the bends
Haunting God
Hunting God

Then came the night
God was not yet in sight
As we howled like cannibals
As we dined on some animals

The day came again
God we were yet to gain
As we got guns cocked and gears locked
As those same stupid animals still gawked

We are no more mere flesh and blood
In this trail of God’s blood
Our perspectives have changed
Our old selves deranged

God invaded our living situation
Causing shift and annihilation
Now we are fixated on him
Now we are hounding him

What will happen if we don’t find him
What will happen if we find him
We mindlessly haunt God on
We tirelessly hunt God on

Haa!!! See there a fresh drop of blood…

Fear Of Fear And The Old Man

Panic-attack

A panic attack occurs, amongst other reasons, because the one faces a feared situation. The typical symptoms include feeling dizzy, fear of dying or going crazy, choking sensation, breathlessness, palpitation, trembling and tingling sensations. These are just about half of the things that could happen. The horrors of these attacks live strongly on in the memories of many who experience it. The victims then get so used to these experiences they live in fearful expectation of the experiences, without even experiencing the actual panic attack. Their minds have learnt a new terrible lesson in fear now. It is because of this hypersensitivity to a fresh occurrence that a panic disorder has also been called a fear of fear. (You may read further literature for more on this tormenting mental phenomenon.)
About four weeks ago, I began to experience some of the typical symptoms of a panic attack. Coincidentally, I started experiencing it as I was reading about the condition, though there were other factors that contributed. It soon became so regular that, within two weeks, I also started fearfully anticipating new attacks.
One afternoon, I read a Bible passage -2 Thessalonians 3: 16 -“And may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way. The Lord be with you all (NKJV).” (It would be really great if you could check out other versions.) As I thought calmly about this text, and others which also spoke about the peace God wanted AND had ready for those who desired it, I actually found myself settling down peacefully. It was like a covering over my soul/heart/mind (whichever school of thought you like), which prevented the palpitations from seizing my heart (in my chest). This peace required absolutely no psychological effort from me. It was just there, very much like it was not under my control. Further, it did not seem to be affected by behavioural methods, like breathing and relaxation exercises. But I found that my mind seemed to automatically “beg” for panic attacks despite this peace shielding me from any actual ones. I was so used to the attacks that my mind had a new reflex of its own. But, just when the actual panic would start, the peace would stop the development of the palpitations etc. So, my mind “wanted” the panic attacks, but that peace wouldn’t budge. I even got kicks out of teasing my mind by imagining me having the attack without really having it. The safety I felt made me daring.
This went on for about five days. Soon, the defence began to wear thin. Occasionally, when the anticipation would come, I would feel a little thumping in the chest. Please, remember that this anticipation of a panic attack could be distressful in itself. It seemed I could decide to fall back to that peaceful truth; but it also seemed my mind, which had gotten so used to the panic attack, could put up a strong resistance. So the times I let go to the truth of the scriptures, I still felt that resistance in my mind telling me I just couldn’t get over the attacks that easy; and the times I gave in to the budding fear/panic, I would still easily feel confident that I was above the attack and could easily stop it at any stage –even as I watched it progress to full-blown panic. I felt both. At the same time. Every time.
Two days to this writing, I had gotten used to the panic attack again. Funny thing was that I welcomed it –much like one would welcome an ex-lover one never got over, but missed more crazily with each passing day away. I felt at peace with this monster eating away at me with insanely unholy appetite.
Now, as you might guess, this writing took over a day to compose.
By today, which is about one week since starting this writing, I had gotten sick of the monkey games I was playing with myself. Funny I dare to say I was playing games with myself. Well, it’s not my fault (so to speak)! If I hadn’t found a quick sure solution in God’s truth (in the Bible), I would have had a “comedorrible” –that would be the hybrid of a comedy and a horror –time treating myself. And please, for the stranger to the world of the psychologist or psychiatrist, you have to know that it is a nightmare trying to heal oneself. It is not as easy as a surgeon removing a lipoma from his own thigh. We know a lot about the wonders and manoeuvres of the mind. We have been astute students of our minds (and this mind-monitor I have running contributed to my case, likely). We have analysed its strengths and weaknesses to a good extent. And we have developed psychic skills to keep it running and do little everyday troubleshootings. Now, if despite all these, our minds go awry, then fixing it would be as easy as fixing an exploding sun. And drugs are not a miracle cure for all psychological ills.
So, off I ran into the world of scriptural truths again, A LITTLE like a drug addict seeking a “quick fix”; and as I dwelt on these truths again, I began to find release. This time, the release was much easier.
I am completely over it now.

Part of what the Jesus Christ of the Bible came to do was to murder the old man. This is that evil core that is present right from birth. Our longest friend. It was being woven in as our minds and personalities developed. Some easily recognise it when they show acts of stark hatred and “easy” passions. For some, it is more subtle in the acts of “good” they try to do for selfish or misguided reasons such as earning God’s favour, obtaining good in return, cleansing an evil conscience from horrible things they had done before, or a good public image etc. However, this old force has spent so long with our minds that we feel a special bond with it. If we don’t give in to its darkness, it tears and raves, and we are thrown into disarray. So, we allow it stay; it allows us live with a semblance of sanity. It’s much worse for those in whom it is subtle. They don’t seem to notice the oddness of their motives for the “right” things they do. So, they feel at peace, in the arms of this monster which has eaten away at their insight/sharp senses. Rid them of this monster and they lose the drive for their “noble” deeds and intents. A kind of truce!
Now, after Christ has finished his work, some of these who live in Christ still see some manifestations akin to the old man. (I am not after justifying any school of thought –whether the old man has been done with forever, or is to be killed anew everyday.) Point: this old force has been made utterly powerless. However, our minds miss this old man, this old way of living, the impulses etc.
Compare this to my story above, making the old force something like my panic disorder. (I am not saying the panic disorder IS an old force). Notice my mind had gotten so used to the panic attack it almost begged for it, despite the unpleasantness. Please, observe also how it still felt like I had the disorder (because of how my mind acted) when I was already free in those few days after reading the Bible text.

On the other hand, my experience might be attributable largely to psychological manifestations. I am keeping a bit of an open mind here. So, any student or enthusiast of psychology or psychiatry who wishes to indulge him/herself might contact me for clarifications. But if you seek clarifications for other reasons besides the above, just get in touch with me please.

Thank you.