Tag Archives: memories

Where my senile memories go

NOTE: I apologize for this popup-post since I am not due for another post until another week, after my post on mirrors yesterday. Now, knowing I have a couple of smart-headed followers, I will not say more than that it’s fictional. Yes. But if you claim it has splashes of reality, figures! As at now, I am not sure if it’s gonna be in traditional poetry form or just plain prose because a couple of us are on a campaign to ban poor works of modern writing shamefully mimicking wonderful traditional poetry; and even though I am regarded as primarily poetic, I still have to tread cautiously lest I be sent to the gallows also for crime-of-art.



I have seen it all…

Nothing surprises me again
Born a twin to this madman, we experienced a lot of life together. I am more level-headed though. Years ago, I took up job at a new place as a sales representative. I have always been in this business of human contact and take particular pleasure in reading the human mind, besides manipulating it for the purpose of money when marketing. Sorry for calling things the way they are, but many of us manipulate others for various purposes. And sometimes we think these purposes are selfless. As if it matters! I AM NOT TRYING TO EXCUSE MYSELF. And please feel free to judge me. (Yes, I tire of this don’t-judge-me philosophy that’s on the rave.) In another life, I might have been a psychologist or a forensic expert.

Enter the new girl.

If you, Reader, are into fairy-tale mushy-musheries then you might describe her as the quiet sun minding its business, yet the radiance it gives at day or night cannot be denied, though it never blows its trumpet. (Sunstroke is more a case of one-man’s-meat-being-another’s-poison.) Or you might describe the experience of seeing her as a philosopher who tastes ecstasy that leaves him wanting more. (Wonder why I use the word ecstasy a lot these days. Note please: I discourage doping on ecstasy!) Or you might describe your feeling as a confusion/disorganisation that makes perfect sense to you.

Without any dilly-dally on shilly-shallies, we would meet at work and go about the day’s business with perfectly courteous professionalism. We would part at evening, after a long day’s work and would never even speak of catching a drink. No, not a date. Not anything fancy. Just a drink at a non-remarkable place.

The first year, I handled the feelings well. I had no desire to wanna know her beyond the immediate business at hand.

The second year was slightly more overwhelming. The little attention to HER that I deliberately denied her during the first year came back with a little interest. It was easy for me to notice some of those little things beyond her body itself. I know it’s a bit unfair on other men, but my involvement with humans have meant I had to train my peripheral vision. So I could see my environment more easily just like ladies can (since it’s been noted ladies have better peripheral vision than guys. This means they can spot the guys shamelessly eyeing them out of the corners of their eyes.)

The third year I became concerned –about my welfare –enough to wanna know more about her. Questions I would like to ask her –like “How are you?” at the start of each day, or “How are you finding the work demands on YOU? since it was her first working experience. I had absolutely no problem with walking up to her and asking despite the feelings I had. But I knew this all along, since the first year when the feelings visited me, that nothing could probably come out of it.

It is life, isn’t it!

The fourth year and the feelings have persisted like a tough climate over the Sahara. Definite. Undeniable. Unstopping. Demanding attention. Yet untouchable.
I would not even seek closure. What does that word even mean?

The feelings were heavy in my eyes
For any who cared to look
But I busied their lazy bottoms
With reading her body gestures
The feelings were lodged in my throat
I could eat and swallow hard
The feelings would make my heart skip
But trained in relaxation techniques
I’d sooner regulate my heart rate
The feelings were tied to my dreams and skull
But I gave no indulgence to daydreams

Days turned to years and my five-year contract was soon over there.
I never asked if her heart was sold out to another
If she would wish to see me another day
I never knew even her second name!

It was just another passing phase of life. It is just another thing that happens in life. Nothing surprises me.

Times in my life come and go. I remain unchanging right at my core.
Well, except when I mope about how those four years went without even a monument erected in their memories.

Well, here’s one. Till the day wordpress.com crashes.


Song of our season together


I woke up next to you
Golden sun rays shining from your face
Warm my smile
Your hands all over me
Wantingly, wantonly
As though you didn’t think it was too early for foreplay
Meanwhile it was only my cheeks you touched
Today is gonna be a good day I thought
I could get used to everyday being like this

I am not taking off my smile
The light is warm
The atmosphere is romantic
And music is in the air
Talking with you as you possessively hold my arm
As though you didn’t want me to stray from your side at dinner
Meanwhile we were only strolling to work
I am gonna enjoy work today I thought
I could get used to everyday being like this

I am not taking the bus tonight
I am looking forward to crying
Tears of pure ecstasy on my cheeks
As I let you hold me on the way
After you kidnapped the whole world around me
Leaving me alone with you in this vast space
Where nothing else matters
No abyss no ground no other heartbeat
Except mine…

(Back to reality)
As I cry in the lonely memories of you
For you were long gone from my life
And I can only hope to sleep fitfully tonight
And wake up tomorrow
All in memories of you
Like I did this morning
Whilst lying on my bed ALONE





Moments I felt high. Err... I'd be the one on the left, both feet in the air.

Moments I felt high. Err… I’d be the one on the left, both feet in the air.

This is all I am taking with me

Memories of euphoria fade faster than the actual moments
Songs of wondrous events soon become bland cackles
Sometimes my strengths don’t weigh a gram
Sometimes my word prowess can’t buy anyone a smile

This is all I am taking with me

Sun MAY rise tomorrow in this part of the world
I MAY find another soul to share thoughts with
I MAY enjoy another wonder tonight
This ‘high’ moment of writing MAY linger

None MAY remain with me

Sift me through good and bad times
No part of me remains there
No memories or scars
I just am, with all I am

All I have is this

I only change within
I only change from within
A tear, a hum, a hope, and a faith
Are all I am taking with me

And all that’s essential to my being


*Song* Of Time

English: Two girls playing the classic harp, C...

English: Two girls playing the classic harp, Caracas, Venezuela. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sing us the *song* of time
*Pitch* that widens our possibilities
*Lyrics* that spells out our boundaries

The *recording* of history and *playback* of present
Good days that have caused smile lines
Evil days that have caused scar lines

The *melody* of rewards and *tune* of consequences
Reminds us of the good seeds we have sown
Reminds us of the evil monsters we have spawn

The *harmony* of hope and *beat* of caution
Tells us where we were yesterday
Shows us where we should be today

The loud *volume* of the unseen yet real
*Rhythm* that God understands perfectly
A Being that runs the *scales* of eternity

P.S.: But the *sounds* of time we hear today

Will not tell us where exactly we are going
Will not tell us when our time will run out
Will not tell us when time itself will cease


Falling Apart Into New.


I am crying every way I can.
I am trying to express this on paper every way I can.
Now I am never going to get over this also.
Now I am getting used to the tears of previous seasons gone by haunting me with the turn of a new season.
There were waves of terrorist attacks in the region where I was last winter. The region was isolated from the usual life I had been used to. The people were very different from the people I had grown up with –and not just in physical appearance/resemblance. I was at a new phase of my career. I had moments of fun and all sorts. It was supposed to be a very eventful/memorable period of my life.
But, whenever I look back on that season of my life, I only remember the times I sang to you under the sun’s glory, my headphones booming steadily against my eardrums. I only remember the times I played with thoughts of you whilst jauntily strolling in the evening’s peace. I only remember crying in sweet fondness as I prayed to you in the peak chill of the night’s dark. I only remember waking up in high hopes of spending the new day with you every morning’s bright. Our moments together have become fairy-ghosts that haunt my every recollection of that phase of my life. It’s like I am having selective amnesia; and my memories are being replaced completely with only those that have to do with you. At this rate, I won’t have any have any recollection of my growing up years before I met you. I won’t remember the fact that I spent 6 years of my life studying to be a doctor. Heck! One day, I will probably wake up with no memories of my name or who I am. But, I know I will remember every moment we spend together. Fairy-ghosts now eat up the parts of my brain storing the information about all else, as I remember more clearly only those long-gone moments having to do with you. I am losing bits of “me”. It’s not so much about losing those pieces of information as is about losing the essence of “me”, my past, my experiences, my perceptions of the past. There’s more: it’s even affecting my perception of the present. I am at a function, and instead of focusing on analysing the people and personality profiling, I am thinking about how that function could somehow relate to you; and what I’d do with you; and you showing up promiscuously in the arena.
I am not just me again.
P.S.: And I’ll look in the mirror one day and will see you. You might as well change my physical form to yours. I couldn’t care less again!