Tag Archives: humour

Imagine a human race like me

Imagine a world where everyone was like me…

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(I‘d be the one floating on the left.)

There would be no earthquakes because we would all just be featherweights –with very low BMIs –floating on the planet; and there would be nobody throwing his weight around and acting like a bully.
Seriously, I don’t bully people psychologically or otherwise. People may have felt bullied by a normal part of me, but I try to discourage it when I notice it.
Also, there would be no need for parachutes –for same reason as above, Sherlock! Sincerely, he that is “humble” need fear no fall. I don’t shatter when I fall or commit errors or am having a rough life.

We wouldn’t need elevators up skyscrapers because –yes, you are right –I am long. Not just tall.
I really don’t know how to feel inferior. I have this delusion that makes me believe no human being is eternal. We be all mere mortals. Only one ultimate Creator. I really am not moved when a random mortal refuses to acknowledge the fact. “For his/her pocket!” Denying that fact doesn’t place the fellow above me.
So, there would be no bullying or inferiority complex. None to look down your nose at or humiliate and none can feel humiliated.

We would not need microscopes or telescopes because of the bird-eye I have.
And there would be no need for lie-detection. We know the next fellow is a human lie-detector and can see through us. No, that is not why lie-detectors would be useless. It is because we would all be smart enough to know how to keep poker faces –at the least –or throw the next fellow off with a misleading body gesture; and because we know the next fellow is thinking like this, we don’t bother trying to analyse each other. I didn’t mention the machine because the mechanical lie-detectors are way too easy to evade for this race of humans.

We would all just be nervous bunches of people suspicious of each other, not because we are actually evil by nature, but for the inevitably unnerving pupils that I have.

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(Left. Tried rolling my eyes a bit so as not to scare you with my direct gaze.)

As a “complement” to my warm personality, my eyes generate atypical reactions from people who gaze into it.

Before I turn in the continuation at my next post, I would love to see links from commenters to their posts on what the world would be like if all humans looked like them physically. Nothing deep or philosophical please. The only exemptions I may possibly permit are Julien (of julienmatei) and Paul (of poesypluspolemics). A world like those two would be simply unimaginable. Hahahahahahaha!!!

Are you game?

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The Writer and Death. (Warning: a dark writing!)

The writer

“Except for the other unpleasant species
Like myself,
Most don’t welcome
The dark theme of death.
Like I care!”
These thoughts run through
The mind of the writer,
As he screams foul
To the degree of howl.
His afro is dishevelled
Like one electrocuted.
His ears are taut like of a rabbit-on-heat.
His eyes are hard like a frozen ram’s.
Spit dishonours his lips and beard.
In one passionately fitful arm
He holds his pen.
In the other angrily convulsing
He holds a spiked whip.

The victim

The victim is on the floor –
A figure of life’s scrawny tail,
A specimen of minuscule dignity.
He has swollen cuts on the head.
Padlocks on his lips in shame –
Can’t even taste simple joys of life,
His wrists cuffed handicapped –
Unable to do things he always wanted,
Can’t reach basic necessities for life,
Can’t reach anyone to help him.
His back laced with weals,
His health suffers bad.
If wishes were horses,
This man would escape this hell.
But his legs are tied.
The writer adds a “cherry on top”
And breaks his legs -for insurance!

The conversation

Victim(V): Would ask why, but I doubt I’d understand your complex speeches.
Writer(W): I promise to make it simple.
V: Ok! Please tell me then -why would you want my life’s story this way?
W: because I have never written about someone dying before. I am sorry it had to be you, but whomever I chose would still have complained like you are doing. Just accept your fate. Besides, I have saved you from a meaningless existence. Do you know the many people whose lives follow scripts of fame, wealth, romance, and the whole parade of epicurean pleasures. Cliched vanities! So, if I hadn’t castrated you, what would you have achieved before old age did? Reared children like rabbits to propagate this meaningless existence, or what else? Further, doesn’t your Christianity teach death as way to life? “Die to yourself!”
V: I knew it! You started simple and you went off too deep. How does your mind work like that?
W: Aha! Glad you still have some sense of homour. Anyway, I am also caught in a net of my own. I grew up to find my mind this way. Wish I could help it, but I guess the process of changing my mind-that-makes-complex-sentences-and-is-writing-out-your-life-story-just-for-the-sake-of-a-piece-on-death might as well be as torturous as yours. So, do I kill myself just to shut my mind?
Here, let me also reward you by making your death quick and less dramatic.

Conclusion:…
And for hours the writer whiplashes coldly at the victim,
Screaming till his eyes would pop,
His pen running out of ink.
“Break his pride.
Add an extra pair of cuffs
To his elbows.
Make a v****a where his p***s is.
Add an extra hole to him,
A dent to his identity.
Hey! Here, see his legs going numb.
Quickly, time to bring the scorpions.
Let the pain exceed the numbness
Oh! Let’s pity him and let him lose blood fast.
Hehehe! Not too fast.
Please get 2 pints of blood ready for transfusion.
Let’s see which wins out –
The blood transfusion or the haemorrhage.
But please, kindly drain his heart of blood and hope gradually, gently, mercifully.
Yes, is the s** change surgery about to commence?
Anaesthesia please?
I am afraid not! That’d be unkind.
Oxygen mask please.
We don’t want him to die from surgery.
(I still have a reputation to uphold
As a doctor who must do no harm!)

All the while bystanders watched –
Youtube, facebook, twitter, wordpress, google+…
And when it was done,
The man survived.
The transfusion won out.
He was neither dead nor alive –
Just hanging.
The worst kind of death!
Better he had died into rest.
The writer seeing this,
He cooled, combed his own hair,
Shaved his beard and changed his undies.
He unlocked the victim’s padlock,
And the attendants gave him some food.
Then the writer called
To confirm his own appointment
With his shrink/Psychiatrist.

Tears, Please…

We worked hard through planting season
We worked harder through harvest season
Now we have enough happiness to last next season

We gathered our harvest into a barn
Along came a glow-worm which didn’t give a darn
Sat on the heap and lit the whole barn

Fire leapt up into the night
Eyes tear and tears pour at the sight
As the glow-worm took to flight

Oh well! We’ll keep warm on this night that’s freezing
By the fire from the harvest-barn
And starvation will start by daylight

Tears everyone, please…

Rebel

Cow, and sheep upside-down

English: Sheep Pasture, Near Cow Wath

There is the OTHER version of the parable about the meek and obedient sheep in the Bible. It shows one of the wonders of the human nature.

It was expensively purchased from the common market-ground
Viciously kicking and jumping and fighting
So we deliberately let it run around
Till it comically fell panting

It was skilfully purchased from the uncommon cow-butcher
Arguing and haggling without quits
But we came ready with a joker
And he squarely fell to our wits

It was straightaway sent to the common barnyard
Where it was cleaned up thoroughly
As hooves kicked and nostrils flared
Till it grudgingly came out nicely

It was richly fed at the uncommon meadow
With suspicious eyes darting and glaring
As the cool stream did flow
Till its belly was bulging

It was gently guided to the common barn
As it was dusk and wolves came to play
But it didn’t give a cowly darn
What danger did say

In the quiet middle of the uncommon night
Stuffed runaway cow and hungry wolf met
Rebel cow did not take to flight
The wolf’s need was met

P.S.: “My sheep hear my voice”, the kind Jesus said in the normal version of the Bible.
Thank you.