Tag Archives: evil

Fear Of Fear And The Old Man

Panic-attack

A panic attack occurs, amongst other reasons, because the one faces a feared situation. The typical symptoms include feeling dizzy, fear of dying or going crazy, choking sensation, breathlessness, palpitation, trembling and tingling sensations. These are just about half of the things that could happen. The horrors of these attacks live strongly on in the memories of many who experience it. The victims then get so used to these experiences they live in fearful expectation of the experiences, without even experiencing the actual panic attack. Their minds have learnt a new terrible lesson in fear now. It is because of this hypersensitivity to a fresh occurrence that a panic disorder has also been called a fear of fear. (You may read further literature for more on this tormenting mental phenomenon.)
About four weeks ago, I began to experience some of the typical symptoms of a panic attack. Coincidentally, I started experiencing it as I was reading about the condition, though there were other factors that contributed. It soon became so regular that, within two weeks, I also started fearfully anticipating new attacks.
One afternoon, I read a Bible passage -2 Thessalonians 3: 16 -“And may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way. The Lord be with you all (NKJV).” (It would be really great if you could check out other versions.) As I thought calmly about this text, and others which also spoke about the peace God wanted AND had ready for those who desired it, I actually found myself settling down peacefully. It was like a covering over my soul/heart/mind (whichever school of thought you like), which prevented the palpitations from seizing my heart (in my chest). This peace required absolutely no psychological effort from me. It was just there, very much like it was not under my control. Further, it did not seem to be affected by behavioural methods, like breathing and relaxation exercises. But I found that my mind seemed to automatically “beg” for panic attacks despite this peace shielding me from any actual ones. I was so used to the attacks that my mind had a new reflex of its own. But, just when the actual panic would start, the peace would stop the development of the palpitations etc. So, my mind “wanted” the panic attacks, but that peace wouldn’t budge. I even got kicks out of teasing my mind by imagining me having the attack without really having it. The safety I felt made me daring.
This went on for about five days. Soon, the defence began to wear thin. Occasionally, when the anticipation would come, I would feel a little thumping in the chest. Please, remember that this anticipation of a panic attack could be distressful in itself. It seemed I could decide to fall back to that peaceful truth; but it also seemed my mind, which had gotten so used to the panic attack, could put up a strong resistance. So the times I let go to the truth of the scriptures, I still felt that resistance in my mind telling me I just couldn’t get over the attacks that easy; and the times I gave in to the budding fear/panic, I would still easily feel confident that I was above the attack and could easily stop it at any stage –even as I watched it progress to full-blown panic. I felt both. At the same time. Every time.
Two days to this writing, I had gotten used to the panic attack again. Funny thing was that I welcomed it –much like one would welcome an ex-lover one never got over, but missed more crazily with each passing day away. I felt at peace with this monster eating away at me with insanely unholy appetite.
Now, as you might guess, this writing took over a day to compose.
By today, which is about one week since starting this writing, I had gotten sick of the monkey games I was playing with myself. Funny I dare to say I was playing games with myself. Well, it’s not my fault (so to speak)! If I hadn’t found a quick sure solution in God’s truth (in the Bible), I would have had a “comedorrible” –that would be the hybrid of a comedy and a horror –time treating myself. And please, for the stranger to the world of the psychologist or psychiatrist, you have to know that it is a nightmare trying to heal oneself. It is not as easy as a surgeon removing a lipoma from his own thigh. We know a lot about the wonders and manoeuvres of the mind. We have been astute students of our minds (and this mind-monitor I have running contributed to my case, likely). We have analysed its strengths and weaknesses to a good extent. And we have developed psychic skills to keep it running and do little everyday troubleshootings. Now, if despite all these, our minds go awry, then fixing it would be as easy as fixing an exploding sun. And drugs are not a miracle cure for all psychological ills.
So, off I ran into the world of scriptural truths again, A LITTLE like a drug addict seeking a “quick fix”; and as I dwelt on these truths again, I began to find release. This time, the release was much easier.
I am completely over it now.

Part of what the Jesus Christ of the Bible came to do was to murder the old man. This is that evil core that is present right from birth. Our longest friend. It was being woven in as our minds and personalities developed. Some easily recognise it when they show acts of stark hatred and “easy” passions. For some, it is more subtle in the acts of “good” they try to do for selfish or misguided reasons such as earning God’s favour, obtaining good in return, cleansing an evil conscience from horrible things they had done before, or a good public image etc. However, this old force has spent so long with our minds that we feel a special bond with it. If we don’t give in to its darkness, it tears and raves, and we are thrown into disarray. So, we allow it stay; it allows us live with a semblance of sanity. It’s much worse for those in whom it is subtle. They don’t seem to notice the oddness of their motives for the “right” things they do. So, they feel at peace, in the arms of this monster which has eaten away at their insight/sharp senses. Rid them of this monster and they lose the drive for their “noble” deeds and intents. A kind of truce!
Now, after Christ has finished his work, some of these who live in Christ still see some manifestations akin to the old man. (I am not after justifying any school of thought –whether the old man has been done with forever, or is to be killed anew everyday.) Point: this old force has been made utterly powerless. However, our minds miss this old man, this old way of living, the impulses etc.
Compare this to my story above, making the old force something like my panic disorder. (I am not saying the panic disorder IS an old force). Notice my mind had gotten so used to the panic attack it almost begged for it, despite the unpleasantness. Please, observe also how it still felt like I had the disorder (because of how my mind acted) when I was already free in those few days after reading the Bible text.

On the other hand, my experience might be attributable largely to psychological manifestations. I am keeping a bit of an open mind here. So, any student or enthusiast of psychology or psychiatry who wishes to indulge him/herself might contact me for clarifications. But if you seek clarifications for other reasons besides the above, just get in touch with me please.

Thank you.

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The Works Of The Night

Tejas Nair Photography Silent Night

As the cold night dawns, the Dark-ones’ countenances light up,
They are shivering in anticipation of all the pleasure the night gives to them;
And the warm daylight dims as my mood is lifted up.
I am calm in hope of all the pleasure I get from the night.

All through the night, the Dark-ones indulge.
They do and become things too dark to be mentioned openly;
Whilst I put my soul to rest,
As I fall into the arms of Light-God.

The secrecy of the night warms their cold souls.
Their actions come from dark thoughts and need no light to carry them out.
But the solitude of the night cools my passionate veins;
And my words come from a living spirit and need not be loud.

The night will come when they shall sleep like other men.
But it is not this night!
The night will come when I sleep like they shall.
But this night my spirit is at its peak.

This night they grow and weave darkness,
As though they intend to stop the sunlight from shining at dawn.
This night I am up and bright,
Preparing the way before dawn for the sun to shine.

For even if evil successfully lays its egg,
And hatches into a virile spawn before daylight,
Light can still shine in the belly of the darkness,
And it shall run through the evil spawn with the sword of sunlight.

Tribe-Wars: The Mortal Tribesboy’s Prayer

The warriors sail off today,
To secure the liberty of our souls
From the dark spirits that haunt us,
Periodically floating in to take of us into slavery.
They load themselves into canoes
Bound for the land of the spirits across the River of Deathly Surrender.

Dear God of our ancestors,
Their arrows can’t kill even a spirit-watchdog.
Their shields can’t parry a stone missile from the spirits.
And that, if they don’t lose their lives to the bloody River.
(Pardon my swear-word, God!)
Would even having nuclear warheads better our fate?
(Rhetorical question, God!)

I ask for your help.

You supplied the Helmets of Salvation.
You forged for them the Breastplates of Righteousness.
You said they should wear the Belts of Truth.
You told them to cover their legs with the Gospel of Peace.
You instructed them to attack only with the Swords of the Spirit.
You provided the Shields of Truth as the only effective defence.

I know you have tried your very best for them.
Even now, I don’t know how to plead their cause,
Seeing as some have resorted to other means,
Relying on their skills and science,
And learning of other nations
Whose ways have not even helped those other people.

But, err… God

Hmm… Just, please, God…

The Enchanted Market: Selling to Good or Evil.

English: A red sunset in Norfolk, at about 8pm...

I am seeing things and not “seeing things”.
I am committed to this obsessive act now.
It’s a new insanity peacefully residing in my mind.
At times the madness is asleep, completely at peace with itself and my world;
Other times the madness is industrious at its peak performance.

I prowl at the cliff and peek over the edge at wonders burning in this world beyond,
So magically thrilling, the fires have got be an illusion;
Or, symbolizing the intense power and energy flowing in this world.
It’s like something birthed from a Harry Potter movie about an enchanted city,
Else how can a market exist in the centre of a burning city?

Help!!! How could I claim to be in love with this sight?
How could I leave the comfort of my home every evening,
Unafraid of being possibly caught by some spirit-guards,
To come gaze at a market which bustles with the activities
Of trading in human souls?

Over here I see an angel with the halo on his head in a golden tuxedo
Pleadingly and aggressively (at the same time) haggling over the price of this human soul.
Just beside him is a demon dressed coolly as a business man in a dark misty suit
ALSO aggressive with the right mix of subtle premium evil intentions.
Each acting as though the other were not there; fully focused on the business at hand –the human.

The seller is the … HUMAN himself!
From this distance I can’t understand all that’s happening.
But when a transaction appears to be over,
The human follows either the demon or the angel out of the market
To his fate, having sold out his power of choice.

These activities happen everyday, every moment –
Humans selling out their souls and fates
To the angel or the demon
I am just an observer
With no memory of ever being in this market.

P.S.: Pardon my digression into the details of the activities
It makes it seem like a horrid place, but it’s far from that.
The pure awesomeness of this city is part of what has thrown me into this addiction.
And, who knows, I might get away with something out of this city (the day I dare venture further)
That I can show people as proof of its existence.

Thank you.