Monthly Archives: December 2012

Dance (haiku)

English: Picture from a Shen Yun show.

Stranger, let’s dance please
A spontaneous dance of grace
You’ll put me at ease

You known dance-mates cease
Let’s end this long dance of craze
You’re beasts, fade in peace

*Song* Of Time

English: Two girls playing the classic harp, C...

English: Two girls playing the classic harp, Caracas, Venezuela. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sing us the *song* of time
*Pitch* that widens our possibilities
*Lyrics* that spells out our boundaries

The *recording* of history and *playback* of present
Good days that have caused smile lines
Evil days that have caused scar lines

The *melody* of rewards and *tune* of consequences
Reminds us of the good seeds we have sown
Reminds us of the evil monsters we have spawn

The *harmony* of hope and *beat* of caution
Tells us where we were yesterday
Shows us where we should be today

The loud *volume* of the unseen yet real
*Rhythm* that God understands perfectly
A Being that runs the *scales* of eternity

P.S.: But the *sounds* of time we hear today

Will not tell us where exactly we are going
Will not tell us when our time will run out
Will not tell us when time itself will cease

Shame!

Tears, Please…

We worked hard through planting season
We worked harder through harvest season
Now we have enough happiness to last next season

We gathered our harvest into a barn
Along came a glow-worm which didn’t give a darn
Sat on the heap and lit the whole barn

Fire leapt up into the night
Eyes tear and tears pour at the sight
As the glow-worm took to flight

Oh well! We’ll keep warm on this night that’s freezing
By the fire from the harvest-barn
And starvation will start by daylight

Tears everyone, please…

Falling Apart Into New.

Seasons-2

I am crying every way I can.
I am trying to express this on paper every way I can.
Now I am never going to get over this also.
Now I am getting used to the tears of previous seasons gone by haunting me with the turn of a new season.
There were waves of terrorist attacks in the region where I was last winter. The region was isolated from the usual life I had been used to. The people were very different from the people I had grown up with –and not just in physical appearance/resemblance. I was at a new phase of my career. I had moments of fun and all sorts. It was supposed to be a very eventful/memorable period of my life.
But, whenever I look back on that season of my life, I only remember the times I sang to you under the sun’s glory, my headphones booming steadily against my eardrums. I only remember the times I played with thoughts of you whilst jauntily strolling in the evening’s peace. I only remember crying in sweet fondness as I prayed to you in the peak chill of the night’s dark. I only remember waking up in high hopes of spending the new day with you every morning’s bright. Our moments together have become fairy-ghosts that haunt my every recollection of that phase of my life. It’s like I am having selective amnesia; and my memories are being replaced completely with only those that have to do with you. At this rate, I won’t have any have any recollection of my growing up years before I met you. I won’t remember the fact that I spent 6 years of my life studying to be a doctor. Heck! One day, I will probably wake up with no memories of my name or who I am. But, I know I will remember every moment we spend together. Fairy-ghosts now eat up the parts of my brain storing the information about all else, as I remember more clearly only those long-gone moments having to do with you. I am losing bits of “me”. It’s not so much about losing those pieces of information as is about losing the essence of “me”, my past, my experiences, my perceptions of the past. There’s more: it’s even affecting my perception of the present. I am at a function, and instead of focusing on analysing the people and personality profiling, I am thinking about how that function could somehow relate to you; and what I’d do with you; and you showing up promiscuously in the arena.
I am not just me again.
P.S.: And I’ll look in the mirror one day and will see you. You might as well change my physical form to yours. I couldn’t care less again!

Fear Of Fear And The Old Man

Panic-attack

A panic attack occurs, amongst other reasons, because the one faces a feared situation. The typical symptoms include feeling dizzy, fear of dying or going crazy, choking sensation, breathlessness, palpitation, trembling and tingling sensations. These are just about half of the things that could happen. The horrors of these attacks live strongly on in the memories of many who experience it. The victims then get so used to these experiences they live in fearful expectation of the experiences, without even experiencing the actual panic attack. Their minds have learnt a new terrible lesson in fear now. It is because of this hypersensitivity to a fresh occurrence that a panic disorder has also been called a fear of fear. (You may read further literature for more on this tormenting mental phenomenon.)
About four weeks ago, I began to experience some of the typical symptoms of a panic attack. Coincidentally, I started experiencing it as I was reading about the condition, though there were other factors that contributed. It soon became so regular that, within two weeks, I also started fearfully anticipating new attacks.
One afternoon, I read a Bible passage -2 Thessalonians 3: 16 -“And may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way. The Lord be with you all (NKJV).” (It would be really great if you could check out other versions.) As I thought calmly about this text, and others which also spoke about the peace God wanted AND had ready for those who desired it, I actually found myself settling down peacefully. It was like a covering over my soul/heart/mind (whichever school of thought you like), which prevented the palpitations from seizing my heart (in my chest). This peace required absolutely no psychological effort from me. It was just there, very much like it was not under my control. Further, it did not seem to be affected by behavioural methods, like breathing and relaxation exercises. But I found that my mind seemed to automatically “beg” for panic attacks despite this peace shielding me from any actual ones. I was so used to the attacks that my mind had a new reflex of its own. But, just when the actual panic would start, the peace would stop the development of the palpitations etc. So, my mind “wanted” the panic attacks, but that peace wouldn’t budge. I even got kicks out of teasing my mind by imagining me having the attack without really having it. The safety I felt made me daring.
This went on for about five days. Soon, the defence began to wear thin. Occasionally, when the anticipation would come, I would feel a little thumping in the chest. Please, remember that this anticipation of a panic attack could be distressful in itself. It seemed I could decide to fall back to that peaceful truth; but it also seemed my mind, which had gotten so used to the panic attack, could put up a strong resistance. So the times I let go to the truth of the scriptures, I still felt that resistance in my mind telling me I just couldn’t get over the attacks that easy; and the times I gave in to the budding fear/panic, I would still easily feel confident that I was above the attack and could easily stop it at any stage –even as I watched it progress to full-blown panic. I felt both. At the same time. Every time.
Two days to this writing, I had gotten used to the panic attack again. Funny thing was that I welcomed it –much like one would welcome an ex-lover one never got over, but missed more crazily with each passing day away. I felt at peace with this monster eating away at me with insanely unholy appetite.
Now, as you might guess, this writing took over a day to compose.
By today, which is about one week since starting this writing, I had gotten sick of the monkey games I was playing with myself. Funny I dare to say I was playing games with myself. Well, it’s not my fault (so to speak)! If I hadn’t found a quick sure solution in God’s truth (in the Bible), I would have had a “comedorrible” –that would be the hybrid of a comedy and a horror –time treating myself. And please, for the stranger to the world of the psychologist or psychiatrist, you have to know that it is a nightmare trying to heal oneself. It is not as easy as a surgeon removing a lipoma from his own thigh. We know a lot about the wonders and manoeuvres of the mind. We have been astute students of our minds (and this mind-monitor I have running contributed to my case, likely). We have analysed its strengths and weaknesses to a good extent. And we have developed psychic skills to keep it running and do little everyday troubleshootings. Now, if despite all these, our minds go awry, then fixing it would be as easy as fixing an exploding sun. And drugs are not a miracle cure for all psychological ills.
So, off I ran into the world of scriptural truths again, A LITTLE like a drug addict seeking a “quick fix”; and as I dwelt on these truths again, I began to find release. This time, the release was much easier.
I am completely over it now.

Part of what the Jesus Christ of the Bible came to do was to murder the old man. This is that evil core that is present right from birth. Our longest friend. It was being woven in as our minds and personalities developed. Some easily recognise it when they show acts of stark hatred and “easy” passions. For some, it is more subtle in the acts of “good” they try to do for selfish or misguided reasons such as earning God’s favour, obtaining good in return, cleansing an evil conscience from horrible things they had done before, or a good public image etc. However, this old force has spent so long with our minds that we feel a special bond with it. If we don’t give in to its darkness, it tears and raves, and we are thrown into disarray. So, we allow it stay; it allows us live with a semblance of sanity. It’s much worse for those in whom it is subtle. They don’t seem to notice the oddness of their motives for the “right” things they do. So, they feel at peace, in the arms of this monster which has eaten away at their insight/sharp senses. Rid them of this monster and they lose the drive for their “noble” deeds and intents. A kind of truce!
Now, after Christ has finished his work, some of these who live in Christ still see some manifestations akin to the old man. (I am not after justifying any school of thought –whether the old man has been done with forever, or is to be killed anew everyday.) Point: this old force has been made utterly powerless. However, our minds miss this old man, this old way of living, the impulses etc.
Compare this to my story above, making the old force something like my panic disorder. (I am not saying the panic disorder IS an old force). Notice my mind had gotten so used to the panic attack it almost begged for it, despite the unpleasantness. Please, observe also how it still felt like I had the disorder (because of how my mind acted) when I was already free in those few days after reading the Bible text.

On the other hand, my experience might be attributable largely to psychological manifestations. I am keeping a bit of an open mind here. So, any student or enthusiast of psychology or psychiatry who wishes to indulge him/herself might contact me for clarifications. But if you seek clarifications for other reasons besides the above, just get in touch with me please.

Thank you.